Normalizing death is the exploration of bringing all the taboos we have surrounding death and dying into the light of day so we all can examine death and begin to accept it as a natural part of life, transitioning us from one state to another. It is, after all , something all of us will face one day. In exploring death and dying, many people hide from it, do not wish to speak of something so morbid and see it as the end of everything we hold near and dear. Many of us do not accept that we have a date with death no matter what our feelings about it are. We genuinely believe if we eat right, exercise right and keep plowing through our lives that we will live “forever”. We, in our Western Culture, believe in working very hard to stay eternally young. We all know that death exists and many of us have lost family and friends to the shadow of death, so what stops us from facing it head on and getting comfortable with its existence? Fear of so many parts associated with death is what keeps us running from it. If we can explore the fears and look at them in the face, we can begin to adjust our perspective on death and help ourselves cope with the deaths we all face throughout life as well as our own.
Physical Death
Let’s start with physical death- most, if not all people say they are afraid of a painful death. The separation of the soul and the body due to illness, injury or just simply growing old, can cause physically uncomfortable sensations. Pain management these days is very sophisticated, and Hospice does an amazing job of supporting the dying with Palliative care. Many people wish to go to sleep and just pass into the transition of death. Most of us will not have our death look like that and from the perspective of a grief counselor, that kind of death presents some pretty complicated ways of grief for the survivors. As the body vessel prepares for death, there is a metaphysical and emotional process that assists us in preparing for our own transition. Ideally, we start these practices and explorations years before we actually get to use them with death, but truly many people wait until they absolutely have to look at what death is laying at our feet.
Impermanence
Let’s start with impermanence which is a really hard concept for the mind to wrap itself around. It is close to impossible for all of us humans to grasp the idea that we will not always be standing on this good earth. We say we know we will not always be here, but the fear that comes over us when we really start to allow ourselves to consider that we will not be here is almost cataclysmic in nature. So we turn away from it and think we can always deal with it later or convince ourselves it might not be true. I recently had a brush with impermanence which I would like to tell you about. For 43 years my prior life was in NY as a Voice-over Talent agent. I enjoyed that career, I got to meet so many interesting actors and I had a hand in assisting them to make money so they could take on the creative projects which were near and dear to their hearts.
There came a time when I began to want to do something else. I wanted to move to Sedona, I studied and became an End of Life Doula and I became a student of Metaphysics, receiving a BA, MA and most recently a PhD in Metaphysics with specialties in Death and Grief. Soon the voice-over business was bought, and I exited NY for Sedona. As of this post, I have been in Sedona for two years. I have a totally different life here and I did not stop to think that my life as a talent agent for so many years had ended. I always had thought I would “die at my desk’ as an agent working hard for all of the wonderful actors I represented. That life as a talent agent ended and will never be back again and now, I have a different life, serving people who need help with death and grief. My life as a voice-over agent was impermanent, and I moved on to another life. I just started looking at the concept of impermanence as it related to the various careers I have had throughout my life. I morphed and changed into various careers. Each of those careers was impermanent, just as my life on this earth is. Once we get a glimpse of the constant change and impermanence in our lives , things are not so overwhelming for us.
What Does Death Really Mean?
Death holds a special level of impermanence, way beyond a career change. At the root of death is an energy change and we “disappear” physically. Lots of questions arise when we look at death, but let’s start with all the taboos surrounding death:
- When we die, we simply cease to exist.
- We lose control of all that surrounds us in life.
- Everyone will forget us.
- What will happen to my loved ones, both family and friends, without me being around to help them or tell them what to do?
- Will I ever see my loved ones or friends again?
- If we talk too much about death, death might come sooner than it was supposed to.
- If I hang around with people who have lost someone, I might just lose my loved ones. Almost like death is contagious.
- Where does my soul go after I die? And how do I get there?
- Why do we die anyway? What was the point of my life if it just ended in death?
And on and on. We often do not let our children grieve loss and so, they start fearing it just as many of us do. Each person has a set of personal beliefs regarding death that influences their behaviors when death arrives. These beliefs come from our family, our religious upbringing and how our peer group passes on its beliefs as we grow. BUT, so many of us have such deep seated fears of death and experience tremendous anxiety when the subject comes up. What do we do to deal with our anxiety? Start by talking about them and keep looking at these things and keep talking. Normalizing death is about full expression of all that encompasses death and grief. Talk about what you fear, what you believe and listen to whatever anyone else is talking about. Censor nothing. I recommend getting involved with a Death Café. Death Cafes are a safe space to discuss feelings about death .
A facilitator of any death café will hold space for you to say whatever you need to say about death and grief without judgment. Google Death Cafes and you will find one almost all over the country at various times. It costs nothing to join in on the conversation. You also will find that many people share the same fears that you do. The road is best traveled with companions and I cannot speak highly enough about this as a start on your journey of exploring death and grief. As to grief, there are grief groups around which are all inclusive and hold space for your expressions of grief as you process and travel that long road. I facilitate one each week and the amazing people who come consistently are warriors. They have deep losses. They need to express them and when they do, an amazing thing that starts to happen- they begin slowly to heal. It is not that our fear of dying will be totally diminished and disappear nor will our grief for a loved one ever truly be gone from our consciousness, but we can find a safe place for that grief and we can go outside and to feel the sun on our face once again.
After Death Comes Grief
Grief can begin way before the physical death of a person. Often there is a pre-grieving period which is a way for our bodies and psyches to attempt to get this going because our minds know that we will be experiencing some pretty heavy and uncomfortable emotions. Pre-grieving starts when we realize, often unconsciously, that the person we love will be leaving us. Physical life is ending. Pre-grieving does not occur when our loved ones have a sudden death from a car accident, a suicide, ,going to sleep one night and does not wake up, has a fatal stroke or heart attack. These sudden occurrences of death leave us radically unprepared. In one moment, our lives are altered in ways we almost cannot comprehend. This is called Complicated Grief. We are thrust into grief with no time to think about it. Our minds often go into a fugue state trying to “understand” what just happened. The survivor of these kinds of deaths skips over pre-grieving and heads immediately to the stages of grief, so eloquently explained by Dr Kubler-Ross. The first one is denial most closely related to shock.
Shock and Denial
We all have experienced some form of shock and many of us understand denial all too well. This is a super dose of both, so far out of the bell curve, that we cannot understand what has happened. We do not believe it is true and even in the face of direct evidence that our loved one has died, we simply do not accept it. Even if we have been processing pre-grieving, our minds have held so close to hope of recovery, we still are shocked and still deny ail that has happened. We are numb and walk through our days in a semi-confused state. We need a lot of love and support during the initial phase sine what accompanies this very tough time are legal issues we have to deal with- all the paperwork surrounding death, planning a funeral, all the notifications we have to handle as well as well- meaning people who come by to visit. This stage goes on a long time, as each of the stages of grieving does. It is so important to take it easy on yourself during grief and to understand that each phase of grief doesn’t arrive in a linear fashion and repeats as often as the mind need it to , as it attempts to make sense of what happened to us.
Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance
The next stages of grief which do not occur in the order listed are anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance. There is one more which we will delve into a little later. What is the anger about? Who do we lash out at? Who do we blame? Why am I suddenly angry about something that never would have bothered me before? Anger from loss is perfectly normal and to be expected. Our lives were not supposed to work out that way. Loss was not supposed to have been in the cards. Life is suddenly unfair. We may even get angry at God and abandon our usual forms of worship, if we have any. Anger is often associated with bargaining with God for more time with our loved one. Even though there would never be enough time, we feel cheated and treated unfairly. Why me? Why now? Anger often yields to depression, a sense of hopelessness that fills our day with darkness. We may not sleep or eat very well and we often feel abandoned by the very people we feel we were once close to. Many of our friends do not know what to say to us. They want to comfort us, but do not really know how to go about it. Sometimes, more than I like to think , people who once saw us as a couple , no longer see us that way and the friendship is lost. There’s so much loss and pain with death and grief takes us into a totally different mindset that many people do not want.